Well as it says in the title there is Pinkness...meaning my room. It is now bright bubblegum pink, and its brighter than I thought it would be. Its really nice, and my shelves are up and so is my new wardrobe, and as I speak...well type, Dad's just going over a little paintwork on my window and skirting boards. I'm really pleased with how its turned out.

The holidays have been fine so far, well, when I say fine I mean better than being at school anyway. I've had a lot to keep my preoccupied, what with clearing out my stuff and coursework and revising and coming on here and talking to people. I went to my Nanan's yesterday and she is doing really well. She looked 10 times better. I still worry about her though. I saw Vicki, my cousin, who I haven't seen in god knows how long. She lives in town behind the town hall so when I go to my meetings I might drop in. Her boyfriend who she lives with is really nice. He's called Malcom and he is really sweet. I can tell he loves Vicki!

Other than that nothing much going on. Apart from my nightmares. I'm sleeping on the sofa at the moment, cos of Dad painting and the fact that even if I wanted to sleep in there I couldn't as all my clothes are on my bed still. I don't mind sleeping on the sofa it's comfy. It's just the damn clock, it is the most loudest clock I have ever heard...seriously. It has a pendulam which makes it even worse. But I've been listening to my mp3 player.

Speaking of music, I watched Kerrang's 101 Damnations. I voted of course, and was a little peeved that Fall Out Boy didn't get into the top 10. Funeral for a Friend and The Used were kind of high up too! But...I noted the top three...

3. Avenged Sevenfold - Yum is all I have to say. It was Beast Harlot and I love that song. I love them actually. I'm trying to get Dad to allow me to buy an album...he's coming down slowly.

2. MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE - WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I love them...and they were hosting it as well and they were like...AWW. And Mikey sat there chewing gum...I think thats all he did. Sweet Boy. Although I don't know what was with Frank...he looked like a 14 year old with that hair cut. But I still love him...Bob looked kind of rough, and Ray was all bouncy like his hair...and then Gerard...wow...all I have to say. I love them so much, and they had these outtakes and they were hilarious...and MIKEY SPOKE! He got to shake someone's hand apparently? Ah well...so yeah...moving on...

*DRUM ROLL PLEASE* (and MCR actually did give a drum roll)

1. SLIPKNOT! - Yes...they are the hellraisers of rock. They put on Duality and then Joey was speaking about it. He was saying the fans proper wrecked that house really bad. I love that video and I love that song...And I kind of love them, so it sall good.

So yeah...I'm gonna go now, and maybe do my hair. Yeah...bye.

I'm in a writing mood again. Although I don't seem to be able to write songs so much. I've just been RPing and getting all my writingness out on there. Now I feel like writing a blog randomly, but I'm not sure whether I want to start. Look at what happened last time, it was like an essay. Longest post I have ever writen I think. Actually I don't think it is the longest, but it is well up on the list. But that isn't such a bad thing. It's nice to write long ones really. Get all your feelings and worries out onto the screen. But then I feel bad for wanting people to read it all. But thanks to all the people that did read it. It means a lot.

There's a lot going on right now, too much to write really. And most I can't say anyway. But lets get out all the nice stuff first, I am now the Chair of our School Student Council. I was dead chuffed, quite a lot of people voted for me. And I would like to take this oppurtunity to thank Jordan! (YES YOU JORDAN!) If it hadn't have been for you, I probably wouldn't have gone for it. I just hope I do as good a job as you did, and I hope I can control them two maniacs! AND Well my daddy got a new job! I is really pleased for him, and my mum got a new job too. So thats all really good as well. We have broken up from school for two weeks...WOOP WOOP!

Apart from that, not really anything else good right now. I mean, I had a great night on Weds at Kelliannes. It was really fun, but I feel really bad as I think I kept her awake all night, kicking her in the head while I was asleep. I move around a lot when I sleep. Mostly because of my nightmares...I have a lot. I can't remember most of them, but I know I have them. Its the feeling when I wake up when I can tell I've had one.

So yeah, anyway. Pretty much everything else is shite. I'm pretty down, though I don't think anyone knows...well until now that is. I don't even know why, I just feel shite. I feel like curling up into a small little teeny weeny ball and just crying. Crying and crying and crying. I dont know why...it's just there. I want it to go away badly. But I don't think it will for a little while...oh well. At least I'm not at school for anyone to get sick of me being depressed huh? I can be depressed in peace!

I gotta go now and do damn Maths coursework. YUCK!

I do not understand friends. One minute its all fine and dandy and then its not. It's weird. Well, not so much as weird weird, just not nice weird. People change too much. And they don't realise until its too late, until they have changed so much that there is no going back. They think that maybe that change was for the best. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. Depends how you see it. You lose friends, you gain friends. It's a never ending cycle as you go through life it seems. I haven't been alive long enough to judge from my own point of view, but I see it with my parents and other adults I know.

Then there is when you don't change. And you sit there and pretend everything is fine and dandy, when really you are screaming for some way out. Someone to just wake you up and allow you to break free and be yourself, the person you want to be, or already are. You just want to ditch everything you know right that moment, and just start anew, let all the pain drift away and just be you.

But it seems to me life doesnt work like that, and it's wrong. People are not allowed to be who they truly wish to be. There is always something stopping you. Then there is the people that do have everything, people envy them, and thats wrong too. Everyone should be given an equal chance. But no! It all comes down to discrimination, you cant have this your homosexual, you cant do that your black, you cant say that asian. What the fuck?! Whether you are black, asian, white, gay, lesbian, straight, male, female, 1 or 90 years old, you are a human! Nothing changes that. So why do we have stupid people going around saying shit to others? I'll tell you why! Because we live in a day and age where some people are trying to make multi-racial community's work, and then there is the idiot poeple who try and make that hard for everyone. So what if they have different coloured skin? They are the same! They have 2 eyes, a mouth, a nose, arms, legs and most of all a heart.

I've gone off on a tangent there, and talked about something completely different to what I was going to talk about, but I get so et up, and you know. But anyway. Back to my original point.

I don't understand how the world works. If I did I would be one lucky girl. I don't think anyone really does, people have theories, but who can actually prove them. It's true what they say, that life is a rollacoaster. One minute your up, happy and everything is fine, the next minute your back on the floor, picking up the pieces that someone else dropped. I hate that. Why do you always have to pick up the pieces and listen and console someone elses bloody problems? WHY! Why do I have to do it? No one cares about my problems! It's just me me me, all the bloody time. I get sick of it. Day in day out. I don't think I have huge huge problems. I have problems that hurt me and the people I love, thats why they are important to me. I have a home, I have a family, I have food on the table, I have friends. I have a lot more than I think, I know that. But that doesn't stop me feeling down or wishing things were different. Or that I could fly away or run away and never look back.

But life ain't that easy, and thats something I have to come to terms with. In life you can't run away every time things get hard. Unfortunatly. It would be much easier, but then I would be a coward, and I don't want that. It would be much easier if I couldn't feel. But then as well as not feeling the bad stuff I wouldn't feel the good stuff. The happiness when I am with my friends, the excitement when I have fun with people, and most of all love. But that brings me back. Hate. Without hate there wouldn't be love, because Love and hate are like black and white, ying and yang. They naturally balance. But when you look around, at least when I do. I mostly see hate. Bullying, discrimination, bitching, teasing and all that other shit. And it makes people feel better about themselves. I do it. I hold my hands up to that. I bitch, I tease, not maliciously but I still do it. And somewhere it makes myself feel better. It's natural. But it doesn't mean that its right.

None of this makes that much sense. I've gone on about changing and then feelings and hate and love and discrimination, and honestly I have forgot what I was going to say in the first place.

Mostly all I wanted to say was, recently I have been down around certain people. Mostly Becci, Robyn, Mel and Lisa. Becci and Mel now know the reasons, and as Lisa and Robyn are on work experience I can't explain to them. But after Easter I am going to make sure all my feelings are out in the open. Because I cannot sit back and pretend anymore. No, I won't! Because I am sick to death of pretending everything is ok. Because I think we all know ITS NOT! And if you dont...well...I won't say anything!

So here is my little rant/heartfelt blog that I hope people, and friends especially read and understand and note.

Because I would like to make something extremely clear. I am changing for nothing or nobody but myself. If you don't like me the way I am FINE! Fuck off and go find someone who cares because I cannot be arsed with you.

Thats all I have to say, thank you and goodnight!